Sometimes you just want to make someone laugh, but are short on time. This is where one-liner jokes come in. A surefire shortcut to laughter, they lighten the mood of the room and are guaranteed to get people giggling in seconds. You’ve probably noticed that one-liners are a favorite of comedians because they’re both easy to remember and razor-sharp.
Whether you’re looking for a witty wisecrack or a more traditionally structured short joke, you can find a one-liner for pretty much any occasion.
One-liners about work
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How does NASA organize a company party? They planet.
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” – Demetri Martin
I found a job helping a one-armed typist type capital letters.
It’s shift work.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
I cannot believe I just got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take one day off.
I was a bookkeeper for 10 years.
The local library wasn't too happy about it.
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
One-liners about relationships
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took away her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
Last night my girlfriend and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.
I don't have a girlfriend; I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
One-liners about sports
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Love means never winning at tennis.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Five-Miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.
One-liner insults and witty put-downs
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Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?
There's no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
“My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.” - Winston Churchill
Looking at your face is like reading in the car. It’s alright for a few minutes, but then I start to feel sick.
One-liners about food
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A lot of people cry when they're cutting onions.
The secret is not to form an emotional bond.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
One-liners about everyday life
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Velcro—what a rip-off!
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
All it was doing was gathering dust.
When my toothpaste dropped to the ground, I was crestfallen.
As the shoe said to the hat, “You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot.”
One-liners about school
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.
Writing with a broken pencil is completely pointless.
Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
Am I the only one who realizes that whiteboards are truly remarkable?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts.
So study hard, and be evil.
One-liner dad jokes
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I, for one, like Roman numerals.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
When a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?
Hedgehogs, eh? Why can't they just share the hedge?
I asked my North Korean friend what it was like living there.
He said he couldn't complain.
I hate Russian dolls; they’re so full of themselves.
You know what they say about cliffhangers...
One-liner corny pick-up lines
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Your name must be Pepsi because you are soda-licious.
I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
You're hotter than the bottom of my laptop.
I'm going to give you a kiss. If you don't like it, just return it.
Dark one-liner jokes
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This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
A soldier survived mustard gas in the war and was pepper spray by the police.
He is now a seasoned veteran.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
It’s not the fall that kills you.
It’s the sudden stop at the end.
I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
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